


It Helps To Make It Hurt Less

by lucidliving



Series: The Many Lifetimes of Stefan and Colin [2]
Category: Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-09 22:27:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17413715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidliving/pseuds/lucidliving
Summary: After his mum died, Stefan never wore a seatbelt in the car. He believed that nothing was permanent, and that everything left eventually.He met Colin Ritman, and suddenly he felt as if he had severly misjudged how happy he could ever be with his life.





	It Helps To Make It Hurt Less

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this over the course of a week. this is the third rewrite. most of it was written hungover (today) so have fun with that. title (again) from hurt less by julien baker. her music heavily inspired this and i’ll admit i stole the seatbelt thing from hurt less. this ones p symbolism heavy.

After his mum died, Stefan never wore a seatbelt in the car. 

He never wore his seatbelt because he knew that he had no reason to survive it. He knew that if he were to die, he’d have a small chance of seeing her again. Of being with her. At nineteen years old, Stefan still didn’t wear a seatbelt. This was because he knew that it would hurt less if he died instantly, and that only his dad would care, and only a little. Best if he didn’t survive. 

He did cooking in school, something his dad was obviously thrilled about, and he accidentally sliced his finger open. Instead of just getting a bandage, he stared and let it bleed. It fascinated him. The sting of the cut, the small wound. He thought about how insignificant it was in the long run, how this hurt would end. Some of his pain would never end, but this cut was temporary.

He kissed a boy in the school shed, but he didn’t lock the door. He knew if he were caught his dad would have at him, lose his mind, see what a sissy his son had grown up to become. Maybe this was why he took Rabbit away, because he was so scared of the imminent future. Maybe he wanted to get caught, and get the whole situation over with. But they were never caught, and once it was over, the boy stared at Stefan wide eyed and red faced and never spoke to him again.

Stefan was very careless around his dad when it came to guys, and he just assumed his dad knew but was in denial at this point. He was by no means taking someone home every night, but this obsession with The Game Developer Colin Ritman was absolutely a crush, and his dad knew. He teased him, but decided in the end it was just a bit of idolisation. Colin was where Stefan wanted to be.

And now Stefan had an opportuinity to meet and work with Colin. His dad could barely hide the fear in his eyes.

Stefan, however was excited at the prospect of someone understanding and hiring him to make Bandersnatch, whether they had Colin Ritman working there or not. He just wanted to make this game, this was his ultimate passion project. Sure, he’d make more games in the future, but that was the future and this was now. He was going to make Bandersnatch.

That’s what was going on inside Stefan’s head as he walked through the doors of Tuckersoft to be greeted by Mr. Thakur. He was excited and nervous and his stomach was twisting in anxiety, as he corrected the name mistake Thakur had made. He just had to get today right, all of it, and then he’d be able to do all of this. And then Mr Thakur mentioned Colin.

Stefan froze. He was in this room, right over there. There was this shock of bleached, spiky hair and Stefan felt it was familiar. It was right. He didn’t have any doubts in his mind that this was Colin Ritman. “You want to go and meet him?” Stefan was at a loss for words, and despite his concerns of worrying Colin, Thakur insisted.

Then he was in front of The Colin Ritman.

Thakur introduced him, but Stefan wasn’t listening, he was just staring because Colin seemed oh so familiar yet he’d never met him before, he’d have remembered. Forever. And Colin wasn’t necessarily attractive or anything like that, he was an average looking person and exactly what Stefan was expecting. His crush must have been so evident. 

Colin smiles, which was almost out of place on his face, which seemed to have been carved in stone with the intention to always be scowling. It was odd to Stefan, but he assumed it was all just the utter excitement of meeting someone who’s work he idolised so much. And then, Colin spoke. 

“Stefan Butler,” He said it as if he were addressing an old friend, as if he knew him, “You seem very familiar, I feel as if I know you.” It was a statement, not a question of any sorts and the way Colin looked at him, it was as if he knew. He knew much more than he was letting on, that he knew exactly when and where he had met Stefan. 

“I- uh. No.” He shook his head, laughing in an almost quiet terror. This was the man he’d wanted to meet for so long, the one he’d maybe planned a future with as soon as he found out he could possibly work with him. “We’ve never met, I’d probably remember. I’m a huge fan of your games.” He was already scared he’d said too much. 

A look came over Colin’s face that almost looked like a realisation, a discovery, probably just that Stefan wasn’t who he thoughts. He stopped trying to analyse Colin not long after, because Colin just shrugged and asked if Stefan wanted to see his new game. While Colin showed off, Stefan was sure he was going to get his heart broken. 

***

When Stefan was nine, he sprained his ankle. 

He was adamant to continue playing with the boys outside, and in order to do so he hopped everywhere with them until one of them offered to give him a piggyback ride. Stefan said yes and rode with his friends on someone else’s back, being carried along through life. 

This was the boy he ended up kissing in the school shed. Stefan thought about him sometimes, what it even meant to him. He wondered where he was now, but there was no real point in wondering. He’d never pick up the phone and call. It was just another person who left his life. 

He still had a sprained ankle in a way, it just wasn’t physical. He needed someone to carry him as time went on, as he started to tire from hopping on one leg, he needed someone to care about him. But he also had wants, unrealistic desires, he wanted someone who stayed with him, and when he kissed him, this person would be there in Stefan’s life the next day. 

And now that he was sitting in The Colin Ritman’s apartment, maybe Colin could be the one to relieve his tiring leg that was supporting all of Stefan’s weight, he would carry Stefan on his back throughout life and trials, and Stefan would make an effort, but only as much as he could with everything holding him back. 

Colin smoked a lot, and Stefan thought he would hate it. He didn’t, he’d grown to enjoy it because now smoke wasn’t the smell of his father. It was Colin, and now whenever he walked in the house and ended up anywhere near the ashtray, it would be a reminder of the most recent day he’d spent with Colin. 

Colin kept inviting him out and over, to do things and to talk. He claimed that it was to help with the game, but Stefan kept up his hope that maybe Colin could just fall for him over this time they spent together. Colin’s roommate left them be most of the times, and she was nice enough. Stefan wishes he knew her better, but he didn’t want to let Colin out of his sights. 

He was almost scared that Colin would disappear because it was all just too good to be true, really. Colin Ritman, the man Stefan idolised so much and the man that Stefan constantly spoke about, the one Stefan fancied on based on his coding alone. This just didn’t happen in real life, and not to Stefan. Never to Stefan. 

Colin was, at that moment, telling Stefan about some music he said he ‘knew’ Stefan would like. Stefan hummed in agreement, he was more focused on the details of Colin’s face, the way his eyebrows raised when he was thinking and the fact he was just realising he’d never seen Colin without his glasses on. 

“I think I know you better than you realise, Stefan.” Colin states, without any elaboration, and Stefan knows he probably does. Stefan also knows that he’s not really any good at figuring Colin out, because he seems to be wise beyond anyone Stefan’s ever met before, he seems to know things in secret and that fascinates Stefan. 

***

When Stefan was eleven, he tripped on a pavement and cut his knee, taking a huge chunk of skin off. 

He remembered the blood, mainly. There was a lot of it, more than he’d ever seen before ever come out of his bodies. All he’d seen were clips on TV of films he wasn’t supposed to see, and even then, the sight of real blood is always so much more shocking, because this isn’t fake. This is happening. This pain is real. 

Over time, it turned into a scab. Over time, Stefan stopped noticing it whenever he was out with his friends, the scab didn’t matter anymore. It was healing and he was almost over it. He knew his life would be like this. Temporary wounds and getting over it before the pains completely gone. He always braced himself for this pain before anything happened. 

In truth, he hated the fact that his knee scabbed over and healed because he knew that meant that everything in life would be over so quickly. The real emotions he had felt, the real pain, was nothing more than a memory among millions. The pain wasn’t real anymore. He thought, if such a raw emotion as pain were to last so little time, then how long would love last? How long would the happiness last? 

He knew that it was best not to worry about all these things, and if he worried he would ruin everything he had in the moment, but he couldn’t help it. The loss of his mum has left him this way, wondering who would be next to leave, what way, would they say goodbye? Stefan just assumed everyone would leave him eventually and there was nothing he could do to stop it, so he might as well accept it. 

Colin kissed him for the first time and Stefan braced himself for the heartbreak afterwards. 

They were sitting on Colin’s couch while he ranted on something Stefan can’t remember but was ultimately very fascinated by. Everything Colin said could become groundbreaking to Stefan, even simple greetings. Everything was so real and so… Colin. Stefan wasn’t really in love quite yet, it was still a very simple infatuation, but he was so close to falling, he could feel the edge on his heels.

And Colin had looked at Stefan like he understood, like he got everything going on inside Stefan’s head, and he grabbed Stefan’s face and asked him, “Don’t you see it? We were designed to meet each other. We’re meant to be here, and we’ll always be able to find each other in crowds, or in situations.” Stefan didn’t see it. He was never able to see “always” in any realistic situation.

“I-” He couldn’t finish. He didn’t have anything to say. He just had to listen to Colin talk forever, he wanted to hear Colin talk forever because he felt he had no new things to bring to the conversation, and Colin was so smart and so wise, and he knew so many things and he knew how to talk to Stefan and how Stefan acted. He was going through all this in his head, when Colin interrupted his thought process.

“We’re soulmates, Stefan. Of sorts, anyway.” And Stefan really couldn’t speak in that moment, he couldn’t. He didn’t think he’d heard Colin right, or that he was making this all up and this was a dream, and he’d wake up and it would be a few months ago and he’d have never met Colin in the first place. “We’ve met before, I’ve lived my life thousands of times and you’re the constant. It’s just the two of us that are always there.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, frustrated now. Colin wasn’t making sense. He was talking nonsense, he was insane. Was this all a joke? The temporary hope in his heart being crushed with the possibility that this was all a ploy to make him uncomfortable, for Colin to tease him. But Colin’s eyes were dead serious, and so was he as he went on to explain.

“When we die, we can still be aware of our past lives. Of the times before. But it’s just me and you, no one else I’ve ever met has this ability.” He explained frantically, hoping Stefan would understand, although he just stood in shock and confusion. “I have fall in love with you a million times, Stefan. I’ve killed you, you’ve killed me. We’ve killed ourselves hundreds of times trying to prove this is real.”

Stefan knew in a way, Colin was telling the truth. He knew deep down that this was real, and it explained all the deja vu he experienced but it was so strange and far fetched and- Colin was kissing him. 

He was frozen in shock, unsure of what to do because this was his dream. This was what he wanted, and yet, here he was. Unable to do anything when he finally gets what he wants. He just sat there, unmoving as Colin kissed him, letting himself think, letting himself try and overcome everything he was currently feeling. He didn’t know, he didn’t get it, why was he like this?

Colin pulled back, a puzzled look on his face, “I’m sorry, was that okay? If you’re not okay with that I understand if you never want to speak to me again.” There was sincerity in his eyes. Stefan decided to let go. 

Stefan started at Colin wide eyed and red faced and kissed Colin again. 

***

Whilst out at the shops, Stefan ran into the boy he kissed in the shed. 

He was just there and Stefan didn’t fully know what to make of it. He didn’t notice Stefan, he was just walking about, going about his business. And Stefan remembered him so well as a kid at secondary school that seeing him as anything but was jarring to him, it wasn’t right. 

Stefan wondered if he remembered the incident at all. If he’d grown more accepting of it or if he hates himself to this day because of it. He wondered if he’d prayed to god and begged for forgiveness or had ditched religion years ago. He wanted to know what effect he had on people’s lives, because as far as he knew, he was just a small detail that people could easily forget. 

He couldn’t help comparing the guy to Colin. Colin was the current infatuation, the experiment, and he was just accepting what Colin did just like in the school shed he’d just accepted as he ran out. As he left forever. As he completely removed Stefan from his life, because Stefan was better off out of people’s lives sometimes. A nice and easy cut. 

Like a cut on the finger in cooking class, it stings a bit but eventually time moves on and people move on, and no one will remember the slice of the knife against flesh, piercing the skin. No one will remember the stinging pain, the sharp and raw feeling of it. All that Stefan had to remember was a tiny scratch of a scar. Something permanent.

Stefan had never been the cause of scars on other people, he’d never accidentally triped someone and they’d cut themselves, or he’d never hurt anyone directly. He’d never hurt anyone enough to leave a mark. There was nothing permanent to remind the people in Stefan’s life of him. There was no way of telling he was there at all.

He wanted to be wanted and remembered. 

That’s what he had with Colin.

Colin would always know him, Colin would never forget, even in the most final possible event such as death, he’d always have Colin. It was almost perfect, the person that Stefan had thought about so frequently for years, that he knew he wanted even before they met, that was his ultimate end goal. He couldn’t get lost here. He could only win. 

He left the shop, leaving his past behind and shared his thoughts with Colin when he got back to the flat. Colin understood, and Stefan knew that he was the only person who ever would. Maybe his therapist sympathised and knew why he felt this way, but Colin was the person to fill the hole Stefan felt in his heart.

He sat there pouring his insides out to Colin, the blood staining the couch and Colin’s skin before drying and Colin didn’t bother to wash it off, it was a part of him now, as problematic as it may be. His ribs were cracking inside of him as his heart tried to flee his chest, to rip its way through and show itself off. Instead of looking away in horror, Colin stayed, he took it all in and he accepted it. He accepted his inner moonlight, refusing to hide his madness, Colin in turn, did the same. 

Stefan cut himself open for Colin, and sometimes instead of entrails there would be butterflies left over from the day that they met. Colin would stare and continue to stay, even while the blood soaked into the couch and the butterflies grew and started to swarm his house. Even when Stefan was far too much to handle, Colin handled him.

Stefan thought that maybe his heart wouldn’t be broken.

***

The first time he sees Colin vulnerable, Stefan falls in a little deeper.

Colin’s sick of coding and he’s pacing about the apartment. Kitty warned him about this before she moved out, things god chaotic whenever Colin was frustrated. He would knock things off shelves, scream a bit and mostly go on a conspiracy theorist rant. He would just completely break down, lose his mind, and Stefan had maybe prepared himself. 

Stefan wakes up from a deserved nap to find Colin storming about the flat, muttering under his breath. It’s around about now that Stefan fully realised that Colin is insane. Stefan knee he wasn’t fully stable, after all, he remembered multiple traumatic deaths he’s had, times he’s killed people and whatever else happened in his many lives. Stefan didn’t see it as an issue. 

He didn’t really know how to stop Colin, so he just sat up and asked, “What’s going on? Talk to me.” He stayed calm, he’d had too many breakdowns and moments of insanity not to know. And Colin seemed to stop for a moment before deciding that explaining was a good idea. A very good idea. In fact, he’d spend the next two hours explaining absolutely everything to Stefan. 

“I’m just not in control of my life,” He was sitting on the couch with a cup of tea that Stefan had made, “And every choice I make has no impact on me. I get a redo if I just off myself. Everything I do in life, I don’t care anymore because this is just one lifetime in an infinity of them. Next time, it could be different and I’ll make it up. I have endless chances.” He was sitting with his legs crossed barely looking at Stefan. 

Colin goes on for hours on the topic, and Stefan understands it all. The full time he stares at Colin with his feelings on plain display, projected across his features, and Colin probably noticed it. Stefan just couldn’t help it, he was fully falling into this whole scenario, this new life. Everything seemed like it was exactly how it should be and Stefan was for once in his life, able to do what he pleased. To make his own choices.

He chose to stay with Colin, this was all him. This was how he felt.

That night Stefan put his hand on his chest and felt blood pouring down his shirt and legs, coming from his heart. He knew that if he looked over at Colin, he would be there, asleep and soaked in blood too. It poured over his hands, and pooled at his feet, and Stefan embraced it. He knew what it all meant.

Stefan woke up the next morning in a perfectly clean shirt, but he already knew what it all meant, he was already there and it was too late to go back.

***

Bandersnatch was released to incredible reviews from critics and Stefan and Colin celebrated this by going out to some fancy restaurant and looking completely out of place.

Stefan was aware of what kind of place this was, and how he was to act, and he knew how to be careful. He barely looked at Colin the full meal out of fear that someone around them would see and get it, and that they’d feel disgusted by it, that they’d understand truly what Stefan was. He’d dealt with these people all his life.

The meal was kind of shit, anyway. And the portions were very small. 

Afterwards, they walked down to the local chippy and decided just to take that home and relax. Colin got fish and chips and Stefan got a sausage supper, and maybe that’s what their relationship was meant to be like. They weren’t supposed to be the typical wealthy couple with the extravagant holidays and the expensive meals, or the designer clothes. They were just normal.

Colin put an arm around Stefan as they ate and watched whatever was on the telly and Stefan felt a sense of belonging. It was new, it was the first time he’d felt this way. The first time he’d spent content with his life, and it was watching telly with a meal from the chip shop down the street. Ever since he moved out, he’d been feeling so much better, as if he had finally found his home.

He told his dad that Colin was just a roommate, that it was good for rent and that was the end of it. His dad clearly suspected the truth, that Stefan spent every night sleeping next to Colin, that he’d memorised the taste of Colin’s mouth, that he had occasionally started wearing Colin’s tops by accident, or maybe not by accident.

His dad knew how he felt about Colin, of course he did, but he didn’t know anything about how Colin felt towards Stefan. He was relatively private as a person, and barely spoke to Stefan’s dad whenever he had been over, the few times he came over to help a little with Bandersnatch. Then, all he had been was polite and civil towards Stefan’s dad while they attempted to avoid each other. His dad didn’t know where he and Colin were at exactly, relationship wise. 

However, his dad didn’t ask, and so Stefan wouldn’t tell.

Kitty had moved out when Colin had asked Stefan to move in, Colin had set her up with a girl a few months beforehand who Kitty calls the love of her life whenever she’s over to visit. Stefan was surprised at how well he and Kitty got along, considering the initial jealousy he had felt over the fact that Kitty was seemingly so close to Colin.

Now, she was just another friend. One he suspected would stick around for a while. Kitty was the one who had taught Stefan how to handle his drink, and she’d been the one to first suggest that Stefan move in with Colin, because for once, Colin was a little bit worried he might scare Stefan off with the proposal.

Stefan was comfortable with his life, and there was nothing he was struggling with, really. Maybe deadlines got stressful, and he had to stay awake for days getting the code right, but everything was exactly how he had planned it. He’d perfected the code, he’d corrected every mistake he’d made along the way and this was the end product. His life with Colin was the satisfying ending he had gotten. 

He thought about his sprained ankle when he was a kid, and understood now that he didn’t need someone to carry him. He just needed someone to lean on whilst on the road to recovery, until whatever was hindering him was over. It would take time, and he needed support, but he was able to get over it. Colin would let him lean on him, and over time, the ankle would heal and he would be back to running down the street, sprinting. He would be free of anything holding him back. 

The night that Bandersnatch earns its five stars, Colin fucked Stefan on the couch because they’re too desperate to move to Colin’s room. Too far away, anyway, and Stefan had needed Colin in that moment exactly. 

He hadn’t really asked why there was lube in the table next to the couch, maybe Colin had already lived this moment and knew to prepare. He didn’t care, he just wanted Colin so badly, and he wanted Colin’s skin against his, and he wanted Colin to kiss him hard and everything would continue to make sense to Stefan, it would all be correct. 

He had noted when he first met Colin that he wasn’t all that attractive, but Stefan was attracted to him. Now, Colin’s face looked like the most incredible thing Stefan had ever seen when he was above him, pushing into him, holding onto Stefan’s legs, holding on tight while Stefan grabbed the arm of the couch and his toes curled and legs twitched slightly. He stared up at Colin and when he did he saw everything he’d been expecting his whole life. 

Stefan felt good, really good but more importantly, he felt like he belonged. Colin fucked him, whispering things into his ears that turned into sweet melodies. The feeling of Colin inside of him, he felt it all throughout his body. It coursed through his veins like heroin, getting him high. He was in a state of utter euphoria in that moment. 

Colin kissed Stefan’s neck, biting and sucking to leave bruises on it the next morning, so everyone could see. Stefan liked that everyone would know that there was someone out there that wanted to be with him, that was doing this. Maybe not the world knowing it was Colin specifically, but that there was someone. Stefan made noises of encouragement, hoping Colin would continue. He did, kissing down to Stefan’s shoulder and collar bones. 

He kissed Stefan’s chest, right where his heart was, and Stefan could feel it start to bleed again, this time he knew it wasn’t real but he could still feel the blood pouring from his heart, all over the two of them. His understood what this was those, what it all meant, his bleeding heart. Colin understood too, he could see it in Stefan’s eyes what he felt. Everything he wished he could say but couldn’t. All Stefan could say we’re various curse words and vulgarities along with Colin’s name, over and over again. 

Just before Stefan came, Colin has muttered into his ear, “You're all mine.” Stefan smiled and let go, because he knew it was the truth, all of the truth. 

***

Colin had decided that Stefan needed to get out of the city for a little while and they could relax somewhere in the countryside for a bit, away from work. 

The deadlines were no longer a worry, Colin just sorted it out with Mohan and it was all fine afterwards, with a few days off. Colin had planned it out, told Stefan his plan. Lazy days and being able to have moments alone with Stefan outside of the large buildings and the endless traffic. It would just be the two of them. Stefan, at this point, was so far gone that this seemed like the perfect situation. 

He was utterly infatuated. 

The night before, Colin had told Stefan how he felt. He’d said those three words that Stefan really never expected to hear from anyone other than maybe his dad. He’d convinced himself that being alone was the only acceptable state of being with the way he was, that he’d never find anyone else who was like him that he could spend his life with. But here this person he never thought he’d find was, right in front of him, offering himself up for Stefan, for what Stefan understood was eternity. 

He had kissed Colin, and almost cried. This was his ideal life, it was right here, everything he could’ve ever asked for. Colin held him in an embrace afterwards, it was tight and it was what Stefan needed. He needed to be shown that he wasn’t easily replaceable, that he was wanted, that he was needed. Colin planted small kisses on Stefan’s shoulder and he knew that he was all of these things, for the first time. He knew this for certain. 

He slept close to Colin that night, and wasn’t surprised when he woke up in his arms. He was warm, and safe, and he felt as if he slotted into place in everything now. Everything he felt in his life, the pain, the grief, it was temporary. Like slicing his finger in cooking class in secondary school, it was temporary. However, now he knew that Colin was permanent. He knew that this was something that he could rely on. 

Colin had a small scar on the palm of his right hand which he had gotten trying to be, as he called it, a good boyfriend and cook dinner for the two of them. He had been talking to Stefan about something meaningless when his hand slipped and cut the other. It had bled over the countertops, and Stefan had rushed off to fetch the bandages, revelling in the chance to play nurse for a little while. Now Colin had something permanent on his body to remind him of Colin. A constant physical reminder. He wouldn’t be able to forget. 

The day they left for their miniature holiday, Stefan had walked them down to his car, opening the door for Stefan, “Lady’s first, yeah?” Stefan had laughed, completely and utterly in love with Colin. He had fallen head over heels at this point. The weight he carried with him was love, the final wish was love. 

He got into the passengers side, and just before Colin had driven off, Stefan put on his seatbelt.

**Author's Note:**

> OH i nicked the whole bleeding heart symbolising from big bang love, juvenile a (dir. takashi miike) which i’ll reccomend u all watch since it is incredible and gorgeous. 
> 
> uhh this piece was literally just me thinking of all my issues personally with my sexuality and also my fear of rejection, and losing people and projecting it onto stefan. sorry. 
> 
> i said i might write a series of stories about their multiple lives together so here it is. you can like request scenarios if you want or aus! that would be fun.


End file.
